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Journal May2016
(TW: stream of consciousness during a dark period of my life, some very retrospectively problematic language is used throughout but I leave it mostly unedited for what Nabokov called 'retrospective verisimilitude', in particular I do not change my use of he/him pronouns for myself to reflect my journey more faithfully, however I have censored two ableist slurs that I am sorry to admit that I used) First monthly public journal. Embracing vulnerability and learning to be ok with people knowing who I am. Privacy is a prison, forcing us all to be separate and divided. This is me embracing vulnerability through a complete #nofilter diary, publically available, with all the personal, private and embarrassing details. I refuse to live in fear of myself: which is what our modern obsession with privacy seems to me. /rant "...and if I seem a little strange, well that's because I am."''I know I'm Unloveable, you don't have to tell me https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xldmXca0kvg May18 Breakthroughs: Theory of everything *youniversal theory of everything *Culture vs personality *Astrology is only half. A bacterium might have the same birth chart as me, doesn't mean he'll live the same life. *Culture shapes your astrology into your personality. *Astrology+culture = personality. You+Environment, Nature+Nurture. etc. Insecurities Realising that I've always been so deeply insecure about myself. Especially with girls. But white male culture teaches us to fake it. So many male friends who get sick of me always cutting grass, but I never even realise because deep down I don't even think I have a chance. I can never believe a girl is attracted to me until she kisses me. Meaning of life The meaning of life is K. ...or the meaning of late-stage capitalist life at least. If it weren't for capitalism we never would have found K. If you want to live in a world with bliss, you must also have suffering. The price we pay for psychedelic experiences. '''The price we pay to recall the memory of being infinite'. Connecting to our 'higher self', entering into the present moment and decoupling from our fixed reality into the multiverse of realities with infinitely many different parallel versions of ourselves coagulating into one consciousness. Becoming the sum of many parts. Recognising that we exist. We will exist again. Infinitely many times. Time is an illusion, so all of them exist simultaneously. So at any moment, every possible future is occurring for us. ...ketamine makes you, you Ketamine is the modem to the internet of personal consciousness. Ketamine has its own chemical signature that decouples your brain waves from environmental interference and also doesn't interfere with them. cid, shrooms, weed: all of these connect you to the internet of consciousness, but they are hubs, they connect you to a common experience among most users. They are blurry. They associate different characteristics together, making different people feel similar. Ket is a completely personal experience. Instead of associating diverse traits into common experiences, ket dissociates these characteristics. It sends the brain into an anaesthetised 'ground state' of consciousness. By anaesthetising the user instead of stimulating them, the effects are more stable - we become ourselves. K and cid: "Kandyflipping" (w/ or w/o md) Decoupled from all our thoughts and feelings, our body is placed in a state of relaxation and we are sent into a refined psychedelic state that is unaffected by our recent memories, the feeling of our day Repentance I've been on both sides. I have been the oppressed and the oppressor. I have been abused and the abuser. Some people want to say fuck the abusers. Throw them out with the trash. Death penalty. Castration. Don't want to consider that these are people just like them. Can't reconcile the idea that things aren't "black and white" - "good and evil", that we're all human and sometimes humans do very fucking dark and horrible things. I want to take full responsibility for all the pain I have caused people. But I can't. Because that pain didn't start with me. I was a person in deep pain and I selfishly spread my pain onto others. I made the decision to hurt other people, because I was hurt and didn't think it would ever stop. I take responsibility for not having the courage to be vulnerable. For not admitting when I couldn't take the pain anymore. For choosing to hide my pain, even when that meant that it festered and became worse and worse, like an infected wound. I take responsibility for choosing to satisfy myself in the short-term, rather than considering how my actions would affect others in the long-term. I take responsibility for allowing myself to become such a desperate, dark and tormented individual, rather than reaching out. But I can't take all the responsibility. Because that's what I was taught to do. White culture White culture was foreign and alien to me and I mostly gathered my understanding of it through TV and I absorbed a lot of fucked up messages about masculinity. I cannot take responsibility for those messages. I cannot blame my 5 year old self for "not knowing better" when he was taught that emotions are a man's weakness. I can't blame my childhood self for feeling inadequate and ashamed of his emotions. For repressing his deepest feelings and putting on a psychopathic façade of cool confidence - because that's precisely what white culture projected at me as a model for male success. And maybe other kids saw through the BS and found their own perspective, and good for them. But they didn't find white culture as strange and confusing as I did, because they were raised in it to some extent. To me white culture wasn't a sort of holistical model, with flaws and places for improvement - to me white culture was reality and I needed to figure out the rules and find a way to fit in. Penis envy and sexual shame Early age feelings of shame associated with pre-pubescent penis size. Early associations of sex with shame. Led to a self-fulfilling cycle where I would do things to make myself feel more ashamed. Porn addiction, anything that made me feel pathetic and despicable - like I deserved to feel in my mind. Even before penis envy, there was sexual shame. Possibly related to my Mars-Pluto aspects. Feelings of shame about attraction to female family members are some of my earliest memories. From as early as I can remember, I was ashamed of myself, and when I discovered sex and porn, I was hard-wired to seek out things that made me feel even more ashamed. A cycle that dominated my life until I discovered psychedelics. Vulnerability Just being willing to be vulnerable is all it is. Women don't want us men to be "perfect". They just want us to be willing to learn. Admit that we are flawed. Admit that we don't know how to be a man, ask for guidance because this is a two-way street. Women and men need to work together to repair the broken, toxic culture of masculinity. Men can't repair it on their own, because we need the outside perspective. The perspective of the oppressed. The perspective of the abused. The perspective of the 'second sex'. We need to be willing to listen, rather than so caught up in trying to be heard. May 21 Mental Break-Up Lots of retrograde planets at the moment, got me questioning myself and my beliefs. It's time for some spring-cleaning and this wiki is the best way (in my mind) to air my dirty laundry out to be cleaned. To hell with privacy, to hell with consequences. There are more important things at stake than my reputation. Mental Health is Cultural Made a page about Schizophrenia and delusions. Feel like all mental health 'disorders' are just ways of blaming us for the flaws of our culture and world. We live in a culture that highly undervalues emotional intelligence and oppressively demands analytical thought in droves. We are obsessed with thinking, and suppressing feelings. What did we expect?! Of course people end up with their minds splitting open! Masculinity: If you pressure young boys from age 4 til 17 to constantly seek happiness through developing their brain or body at more and more impressive rates compared to others - ask them to model their own self-esteem on their ability to stay on top of some hierarchy defined by society - meanwhile we teach them to suppress their feelings, we ingrain homophobia into their minds in the idea that being feminine is to be weak. This whole blog is ret--ded "What the fuck do you think you're doing? You think you're going to change the world, by being open about how fucking crazy you are? That somehow you're going to inspire people? That you're some kind of fucking prophet, sent from God to help the planet. Who the fuck do you think you are?" Fuck you I'm not listening to self-doubt anymore, I'm done with you. We're all "schi--phrenic" WE ALL have voices in our heads: "That voice in your head constantly telling you what a piece of shit you are." The one that told you when you were 4 that you were a disgusting filthy pervert for your s-xu-l f--li-gs towards your m----r or s----r. The one that told you since you were 6 that no girl was ever going to love you, because the girl at school said "Eww" when dared to kiss you 'why would I kiss him, he's brown!'. Not to mention the voice that warns us not to do dangerous things. Or the songs that replay over and over when we are just hooked on that chorus. All the different aspects of our personality and how they communicate to us as a mind. Our gut feelings, our heart flutters, our sixth sense, vertigo, goosebumps, every possible verbal and non-verbal voice in our minds that are merely our body and soul relaying information to our central consciousness unit (CCU): our brain. Just look at the movie Inside Out and modern psychiatry would define it as 'schizophrenia', when it's natural non-binary human consciousness! Beyond Binary It's time to evolve beyond the bullshit 'black or white' analytical, axiomatic mode of thinking that we have evolved to as a culture. We need to embrace uncertainty! We need to go quantum. Human quantum computing: The brain cannot ever be explained within classical information theory. The brain is not a linear computer! Our brain computes information from trillions of inputs simultaneously - it is a massively parallel computer. Not only is it parallel, but the encoding system for the entire program we run is the most complex quantum particle in the universe - DNA. We are quantum, to our very core. Our program is a single quantum particle of transcendant quantum properties. A perfect fractal antenna, and a switchable set of instructions that can be constantly self-replicated and hybridised into a network. We are running a program that has been optimised over millions or billions of years. It is far beyond even any super-computer we can imagine in the next millenium. We might not compare to linear computers for computations/sec or analysis of organised data. ...but when it comes to disorganised data, we beat a computer every time. Just look at how hard computers struggle at image recognition. Or truly human-like artificial intelligence. Gemini Duality vs Aquarian Spectroscopy: As a culture our thought processes (Air) have still not evolved beyond the Age of Gemini (duality thinking). We need to enter into the Age of Aquarius. Spectrum thinking, seeing things from all angles, like droplets of vapour in the air, refracting light out into a spectrum. Gender is a spectrum. Sexuality is a spectrum. Mental health is a spectrum. Everything in life is on a spectrum, not a black-or-white two-column choice: male/female, gay/straight, good/evil. etc. Is this a mental breakdown? I don't think so. I choose to think of this as more like a mental 'break-'up. I am breaking up with my old ways of thinking. I am rejecting my binary brain in search of something more. I am going '''beyond binary'. I am going to be more than just 'a man'. More than just 'straight'. More than just 'a scientist'. More than just an 'Australian' or 'African'. More than 'black' or 'white'. More than 'a nice guy' or 'selfish, disguting piece of shit'. I am embracing the Yin and Yang in myself for the first time as two parts of a complementary whole. I am breaking up with the old me, who told me that only my Masculinity is of value, that my Femininity was my weakness and something to hide and be ashamed of. I am breaking out of Age of Aries thinking, and all the patriarchy, misogyny and homophobia that it has brought us. Our civilizations didn't know any better. Our consciousness hadn't developed beyond duality thinking, but now we have. Aquarius Rising IT IS TIME for Aquarius to rise. Pluto will be in Aquarius in 2023, and this will be the generation that grows up to fully embody the Age of Aquarius and hail its arrival. In the meantime, we need to work to prepare the rest of our culture for the Aquarius generation's arrival. We have 7 years to transform our culture from this gender-divided, homophobic, binary state into a state that is truly ripe to grow the most fertile and capable young Aquarians into the world. A generation that is raised under new philosophies, completely renewed and re-envisioned from the outdated, binary Gemini concepts we of prior generations have been fed. May26 Edward scissortongue. Ask a stupid question and you'll get a stupid answer. I made the dance with this dark macabre. Now I can dip my toes til they're fizzling with lava. I feel like he's got the song of earth ice and fire too. Pluto in scorpio generation has been the first to truly be raised as "girls" against "boys". Always before it had been generations of kids playing together, dating etc, but it got increasingly more sexualised, as it does in cycles with each generation going a bit further than the last until all of a sudden one generation goes way too far and it makes us stop, rethink and re-evaluate ourselves. We are the generation that caused the world to look at itself and say: "what have we done to our children?" There are girls dying in the middle east, there are people so desperate to be saved that they are throwing their children over the sides of boats - anything they can do to get the border guard to let them through. JFK When JFK was assassinated by white supremacists, Malcolm X responded "the chickens is coming home to roost". Bernie is just the new JFK. White culture is going to observe itself cannibalise Bernie for corporate interests. Bernie is not our saviour, he is the white man's wake up call. No white man is going to lead the revolution. This world is too full of old, white men. Bernie is a last test. He's our 2nd JFK, our round 2. What do we want to do with him? Historically? Brother Malcolm was almost my exact opposite (Twin Flame). He was a solar Taurus, with an Aries Moon, while I am a solar Aries with a Taurus Moon. He was a double cusp though. Emotionally cusping between his fiery Aries anger and his calm Taurean sensuality. Then his consciousness was cusping between his earthy, taurean childhood memories of a family home burned with them inside by white supremacists and his father murdered on the train tracks soon after, while on the other hand his consciousness saw both sides, with a gemini duality. Brother Malcolm embodied the combination of Fire, Earth and Air. But beyond all it was Earth he embodied. shown in the traits of Capricorn Rising: "Your psychological nature is introverted and cold, totally controlled and phlegmatic, at least regarding the image you project invariably. You seem unemotional and austere. Actually, your secondarity chews over the strategies or responses that you create as a recation to the environment. You are slow but very thoughtful, solid and balanced. You are as curt as you are cold and you put the strength of your character at the service of your huge and long-term ambition. Or you may be detached from the earthly riches and you focus on spiritual values." May28 Three generations (youth, adults, seniors) always cylcing through history. There are essentially 4 phases of society we can be in: inflation, deflation, recession and depression. Just like the four seasons: spring, summer, autumn and winter. Pluto in Scorpio generation epitomises the autumn (or 'the fall' as Americans say). We are the decaying structures of the previous society, our old traditions and norms completely devouring themselves and destroying what's left until we are shrivelled, brown corpses of our former society: just like leaves in the fall. We embody the failure of the old structures, the need to rebuild, the need to store energy and prepare for winter. To let go of the old Yang attitudes of growth and inflation, and start embracing the Yin phase of the cycle, where we regather ourselves after a period of intense growth, and take the time to steady our course and make plans for the future. ...because winter is coming. The Age of Aquarius and the Aquarius generation that is soon impending are going to signal the winter of human civilatization. We need to stop focussing on growth, and start focussing on efficiency! The measure of success for a civilization in the Age of Aries or Pisces was how well they could conquer or cohere. How well could you lead or follow. But now, we are being asked for the first time to be both within ourselves. Pluto in Scorpio generation has torn apart the belief structure that society needs to "be ruled" and that politicians are the ones to be entrusted with the future of our society. We are born of a generation raised by parents who had already given up on the establishment, in the roaring 60's and 70's. But then came to give in and become members of the same system they rebelled against in their youth, best summarised in their proud clichè: "Any man not a Marxist at 25 has no heart, and any man not a Capitalist at 45 has no brain" Note the "man" used. A sign of the complete repression of the women's liberation movement that gave the 60's and 70's all of their strength. Their generation failed to achieve long-term change because it was fundamentally still coming from a Yang perspective. They were proud, they were confident, they were energetic, tearing down old structures to make way for the new. But we in the Scorpio generation are very different from our Pluto in Leo parents. Polar opposites, in fact. Part of the beauty of our parents pride is that they are one of the first generations in recent history to wait so long to have their own children: we now have generations that exist in complete opposite phases in the cycle of human civilization. Usually each generation sees the next phase, 3 generations cycling through 4 social seasons (inflation, deflation, recession, depression). But thanks to our parents focussing on their careers and getting things done in their youth, we are now the children born in the relative Autumn to our parents passionate spring. But now we are left with the clean-up bill of the debaucherous "summer" that was the 70's, 80's and 90's. A period of untold growth and prosperity socially, that our parents joined in the complete frenzy of consuming every available drop of our resources, with no thought to the future and what comes next. Pluto in scorpio are the forgotten generation. We are the kids raised by parents so caught up in trying to make money, that family was completely de-prioritised. We are the kids who were sent to school at age 4, for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, for 13 years, all so our family could contribute to the economy and provide for the next generation. Never a thought given to whether or not we were happy with the arrangement. Never a question of whether we maybe wanted a say in the kind of society we were being raised to populate and co-create. And so, we ended up with a generation of addicts. People avoiding responsibility. Avoiding reality. "Reality Bites". The pluto in Libra generation X really set the pace for us, already showing exactly how apathetic and disillusioned our youth were with our proud, hypocritical parent's generation and their compromised values. We are a generation who not only hates conservatism, but who hates progressives too. Because they failed. The hippies failed. They stopped Vietnam, but lost to Reagan. The left got crushed. We are a generation of cynics. Who no longer give a shit about the state of the world, and would rather spend our lives on our phones than deal with the chaotic bullshit of a planet that our parents brought us into. With terrorism and war being a constant side dish served on our daily plate of smiling faces and toxic society. We are a generation that could see straight through our parents' bullshit façades and the façade of our entire hypocritical society, but who feel completely disempowered and incapable of making any change. This is because we are stuck in our Yang-conditioning, which has us undervaluing the Yin-potential of our generation. We are a generation who have absorbed our culture down into our souls and deepest psyches. We have learnt our toughest lessons hard, and if we are able to grow from these lessons in future, we are invaluable to our society for when we come out the other side of this winter. We are the seeds of the future. We are the generation that can provide the protection for future generations. We have weathered the storm of internet porn, drugs, crime, war and toxicity that we know our culture is capable of, and we are the best generation in the world to help correct the course of society now. A leader who has never made a mistake, is a very nervous leader. Split Into parts "Is the world depressed - or am I depressed?" That is the question. People need to be able to tell the difference. Depression is a natural state of the world. In order to have inflation, you must have depression. They imply one another. There's nothing wrong with the world being in a state of 'depression' as we are right now. It is a time to reflect and re-gather strength. To make long-term plans and correct our course for the future. It gives us time to think and strategize and make the best plans for the resources we have at our disposal. But unfortunately, our parents generation are still stuck in their pride and playing power games with the worlds resources, trying to prove who is top dog. We have poltiicians like Tony Abbott and Vladimir Putin representing us, when the world needs more leaders like Waleed Aly (Pluto in Libra). The problem is that generations like Virgo and Libra have no staying power as leaders. They are great for initiating changes, but the generations with the real staying power are the ones in the middle of each season - the fixed signs. Leo and Scorpio (Summer and Autumn). Aquarius and Taurus (Winter and Spring). Scorpio is the generation to lead us into Winter. We are the Jon Snows, Robb Starks and Danaerys Targaryens of this world. Our parents generation are the Leos, like the Lannisters, who think they own the world and know how to run it, but are so caught up in capitalism (the Game of Thrones) that they can't see that the entire fucking world is about to fall apart to fucking magic ice zombies! (A youth addicted to self-destruction). Winter is coming, and we have felt it. We are a youth who know pain. We are no "summer children" like our parents. We have felt the coming waves and know what horrible futures await our society if we don't correct our current path. One easy example is the danger of virtual reality porn. A single technology that has the potential to completely eradicate human productivity and usefulness, all for the sake of profit. The companies that make it will be selling the entire human race down the drain for their own profits, but can we really judge them? If we had the chance to make that money, wouldn't we do the same? Isn't that what our whole society is kind of built on? The idea that money is the greatest goal, that as long as you don't directly hurt anyone, then what ever you do to make yourself happy is your own business. Every man for himself. Not a thought spared to what this has done to the psyche of our children. Our parents were too caught up in their own "summer" of youth and forgot to learn how to be parents. They were so concerned with throwing out the old traditions, that they tossed away family values with them. The family became more and more an individual entity, separate from the traditions of its culture and free to be unique. ...but separated. Aquarius consciousness. All these families experiencing the same dynamic, but all separated by 4 walls and a roof and a society to proud to admit that we were all scared. And so we raised a generation that learned to accept and ignore. A generation that either absorbed or escaped the pain. Either we became completely insecure, or self-destructive. Either way we feel the need to relfect the depression of our reality. That something is deeply wrong. Either the world or us. Addendum SAd bouy Perspective We can choose to see our consumerist, wasteful, vacuous society as a curse, or we can see it as a blessing in disguise. Our current society is deeply fucked up, and because of this it gives us the most possible information for correcting future societies. We are the generation that is best equipped to correct our mistakes, because we are the generation that has suffered from these mistakes. We feel them down to our souls. A Virgo generation person was still caught in the heat of fading summer, and a plutonian Libra or "Gen X'er" is too caught in their own perspective on the world. It's only the scorpio generation, the millenials, who can truly see how destroyed our society currently is, and the deep life support it needs if we are going to save it. The intense state of our society is a reflection of a period of extreme growth. We had a very abundant and wasteful summer. Now we are preparing for winter, and find that we have consumed almost all of the Earth's "winter stores" of coal, oil, nuclear isotopes, wood, forests, species, life. Humans have grown like a virus and eaten at the planet's resources at a rate faster than imaginable. But if it weren't for this, we would never have the internet, or Netflix, or Rick and Morty, or K, or Pokemon Red or One Piece. or Siddhartha. or even Buddhism. or Taoism. These are all reflections of a culture that was able to grow. The stage of consciousness we have now is all thanks to our world's obsession with growth, and we should give thanks to our predecessors for providing such opportunities for us. ...but now, we must reconsider our future direction and recognise that we have a choice between growth and efficiency. If we want to maximise growth right now, then that is modern Capitalism. But if we want to maximise growth in the long, long term. We need Eco-Capitalism. We need resource economics. We need to recognise that the Earth's resources are a zero-sum game. Luckily, because we are a society that grew so quickly (destroying half the worlds rainforests in just 100 years), we are also a society that is able to correct extremely quickly, and potentially minimise the end damage, although the initial damage has been severe. The damage we have done to the planet is severe and undeniable. We have accelerated the current extinction period, but if it weren't us, it would have happened eventually. We created a great society out of it, and connected the entire globe into a united framework of consciousness - the internet. We created a structure that exists now independent of our society, multiple parallel universes all have their own "internet" and because it works on such simple physical concepts, the way the "internet" naturally forms is similar across all universes. This is the sacred geometry. Ideas have a way of repeating themselves. Light and Matter. Energy and Entropy. Thoughts and Feelings. References Category:Journals